Let me just start by saying that I've wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was a momma to all of my baby dolls, and I have been {lovingly} called the "mother hen" of my friends on more than one occasion. I've just always had that motherly instinct.
When Rob and I got married, we both knew that we wanted kids in our future. For some reason though, I've always had this fear that I wouldn't be able to have them naturally. I just kind of wrote it off as one of those things I worried about that would probably never be an issue.
In May we quit using birth control. I didn't really tell anyone because, frankly, it's not really anyone's business and because I didn't want the question, "Are you pregnant yet?!" coming up every time I talked to someone. The months went by with no pregnancy, and I began to worry even more. My body was also telling me that something was wrong. I wasn't having regular "cycles" and my skin was A.W.F.U.L.
By September, I knew something wasn't right. I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner at my OBGYN's office. I told her everything that was going on along with the dates of my "lady times," but she didn't seem all that concerned. I asked her if she thought that Poly-
Cystic Ovarian Syndrome could be the cause of the symptoms I was experiencing, and she said no. I ended up having some blood work done (at my request) anyway to check all of my hormone levels, and everything was normal except my testosterone levels. An indicator of PCOS.
They scheduled me to have a sonogram to verify that it was PCOS, and it, in fact, was. My worst fear was realized that day in my doctor's office.
I was told that the chance of me getting pregnant without fertility treatment was slim because my body does not ovulate on its own.
I cried my eyes out every day for a week. I still do some days. It's hard, and I don't understand it, but I find comfort and peace in the Lord. I know that He has a plan and that His plan will prevail. My biggest struggle right now is that it seems as though everyone around me is getting pregnant, and I'm not. And I can't. I struggle with being bitter and being jealous. I'm so happy for those who are having babies, but at the same time I envy them. I know jealousy is a terrible trait in a person, and I'm trying to work on that. I'm just being honest here.
For the time being, Rob and I are not moving forward with any infertility treatments. I'm not emotionally ready to deal with that just yet. Right now, we are just going to enjoy being "us" for a couple more years. I'm so blessed to have such a sweet husband who has been right by my side through all of this. He has been my rock, and I'm so thankful that he lets me cry on his shoulder whenever I need to.
My family has also been amazing through all of this. They've cried right along with me, prayed over me and helped to occupy my mind with thoughts other than baby, baby, baby.
I have received so much encouragement from loved ones. Your cards, notes, calls and texts have meant the world to me. Thank you for loving me.
In my heart, I know that we will have a family one day...I just don't know how it will form yet. That's the beauty of God's plan. I don't have to know because He does. I'm not the best person in the world at being patient, but I know that a precious child will be worth the wait.
This is so comforting to me...
"The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness,
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
-Psalm 23
